Colossians 3:18-19 “Tailored For Life Together: Husbands and Wives”
“Tailored For Life Together: Husbands and Wives” is a sermon preached from Colossians 3:18-4:1, by Michael Beatty, pastor of Covenant Baptist Church in New Berlin, Wisconsin – a confessional Reformed Baptist church subscribing to the 1689 London Baptist Confession of Faith.
Scripture Reading
I invite you to turn in your Bibles to Colossians chapter 3, beginning in verse 18. We’ll read down to verse 1 of chapter 4.
Hear the word of the Lord:
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality. Masters, treat your bondservants justly and fairly, knowing that you also have a Master in heaven.
Thus far the reading of God’s Word.
Please join me as we ask His blessing upon it.
Prayer for Illumination
Father, we ask this morning that You would help us in hearing Your Word, that we may, by the Spirit, hear the voice of Christ. We pray, Lord, that You would help us to set aside whatever preconceptions we may have about the text, or those difficulties that we have from our own set of circumstances, that we might instead hear what it is Christ would have us do. For He is the one who has caused us to be alive and is now working in us by His Spirit, that we might glorify You and be of benefit to our neighbor.
In Christ’s name we pray. Amen.
Authority and the Centurion
If you recall, Jesus, as He was going about His earthly ministry, came and had this interesting interaction with a centurion at Capernaum. The centurion had a very sickly servant that he cared for. He sent to Jesus and said, “Lord, my servant is lying paralyzed at home, suffering terribly.” And Jesus said to him that He would come and heal him.
Yet the centurion shows great faith, doesn’t he? He says that Jesus doesn’t even need to come into his house. He just needs to say the word, and it is done. He goes on to describe that he, as a centurion, knows what it is to be under authority and what it is to speak an authoritative word—that he tells his soldiers and it is done.
In this way we see a picture of how that authority might work. The centurion knows better than anyone what it is to be under authority. If you recall, a centurion is different from someone who simply bought a commission in the Roman military. Those were often wealthy men, entering politics through the army. But a centurion was someone who entered at the very lowest level and worked his way up because of excellence and ability to obey. They were the pride of Rome.
What he would have known, better than one who bought a commission, was what it was to be under authority. He knew what it was to be told, “Go,” and he went. He knew what it was to speak a word as one over others, for he commanded 80 to 100 soldiers depending on the period of the Republic or the Empire.
Thus he understood that authority is entrusted, and that the way one wields authority matters. And he understood one more important element: ultimately, everyone in this room is under authority, because we are under the authority of Christ, who rules and reigns in our hearts.
Our Life in Christ
And so wherever we might be—whether the soldier of the lowest sort or the centurion—we are under authority, and we are responsible for how we come under that authority. Christ is working that in us.
In our passage in Colossians, we’ve seen over the last number of weeks and months that we’ve died with Christ, and now He is our life.
As Galatians 2:20 says, “The life that I now live, I live to Christ, and Christ lives in me.” He is working in us those things necessary for our salvation and His glory.
As we heard in Colossians 3:3, “You have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.”
So we find ourselves in a strange predicament. Our focus is on Christ, where He is seated at the right hand of the Most High. We long to be with Him, yet we remain in this present age—and this present age does not follow the playbook of what Christ commands.
And so there is a tension, isn’t there? The sin that remains in us, the opposition we face from others, the sinful culture in which we live—all of it presses against us. Yet our life is hidden with Christ.
Putting Off and Putting On
Practically, what does that look like day to day?
We saw it teased out in Colossians 3:5–11: our life is given to putting to death sin in all its forms. And in Colossians 3:12–17, we saw the positive—putting on the new self in Christ, as though Christ tailors clothing for us that is fit for this life and the life to come.
He clothes us with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. We are clothed in Christ’s works, imitating His walk.
All of this is grounded in the gospel.
The Household Code: Christ’s Rule in the Home
As we come to our text, Colossians 3:18–4:1, we see how the Christian’s new life applies to the home and workplace. Because Christ rules the household, He orders it according to His Word.
We’ll see this in three couplets over the next weeks:
- Wives and husbands
- Children and parents
- Bondservants and masters
This morning we’ll restrict ourselves to the first: wives and husbands.
My plan is simple:
- Consider wives
- Consider husbands
- Broader application
Under each, we’ll look at: command, limitation, virtue, and consolation.
Wives: The Command to Submit (Colossians 3:18)
“Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”
On one hand, this is a very basic command in terms of understanding it: submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. We may say that it’s simple, but it’s far more difficult to follow. It is easy to understand, but difficult to put into practice.
As we know, and as we saw from the centurion’s example, coming under authority that is not our own can be very difficult because of sin—both our own sin and the sin of the one who has authority.
So what does “submit” mean in this context? Because Paul is speaking to Christian wives, he is highlighting obedience that is first voluntary—a willing, voluntary submission to the husband.
In other words, Christian wives are not waiting begrudgingly or obeying only under compulsion, but are freely giving themselves in obedience to their husband’s will. It is proactive. That is what makes it difficult—because ultimately it is the totality of the person coming under authority, and doing so as is fitting in the Lord.
So there is a higher burden upon Christian wives than upon wives in general by creation order, because ultimately you have the added element: “as is fitting in the Lord.”
The Scope of Submission
To whom do wives submit? Verse 18 again: “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”
Paul is not making a universal statement about men and women here. He is speaking about the relationship between a husband and a wife.
So it is not the duty of Christian wives in this room to obey the voice of any man except their own husband in their own household. If someone else were to come along and say, “I think you should do this,” she may say, “That’s fine, but my husband wants me to do this.”
It is a particular command, focused on the marriage relationship.
And as an aside, this is especially helpful in considering the application of the command. In our culture, marriage is entered into freely and willingly. The burden is voluntarily taken on, just like church membership or any other voluntary covenantal association. So there is a higher sort of stake in saying that you willingly submit to this particular person.
So, in brief: the command is obedience freely given in the Lord.
The Limitation: “As Is Fitting in the Lord”
Notice again the limitation in verse 18: “as is fitting in the Lord.”
This means a husband cannot command his wife to sin. He cannot require her to do something that violates the law of God. His authority is limited by Christ’s authority.
The husband is not free to invent arbitrary laws for his wife. He is a trustee of Christ’s authority, like the centurion applying the orders of the legion. Likewise, the husband applies Christ’s Word in the home and will give an account for it.
Paul makes this even clearer in Ephesians 5:22–24:
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”
So the limitation is not about scope (it covers all of life), but about allegiance—it cannot go against Christ.
Practical example: Hebrews 10:25 commands us not to forsake the assembly. If a husband were to forbid his wife from going to church, she cannot obey that command. She must obey Christ first. Likewise, if a husband commanded her to steal, she must not obey.
Her submission is always in the Lord—it is ultimately obedience to Christ.
The Virtues Needed
Even a freely given submission is difficult. So, sisters, as you hear this command, let us return to Colossians 3:12–17. There Paul lists the virtues Christ clothes His people with—virtues that make this command possible.
- Compassion – showing concern for the burdens of others, including compassion for a husband who must one day give account to the Lord.
- Kindness – a disposition of goodness toward a sinful husband, especially if he is not a believer or struggles with particular sins.
- Humility – not keeping score, not saying “I told you so,” but remembering our own frame and our spouse’s weaknesses.
- Gentleness (meekness) – a spirit of courtesy and consideration, especially in times of disagreement.
- Patience – longsuffering with a sinful husband, even when wronged, knowing the command is not suspended because of difficulty.
These are Christ’s clothing given to His people. Without them, this command would crush us. With them, the Spirit works obedience from the heart.
The Consolation for Wives
Finally, there is a consolation—a balm to help with this difficult command.
Look at Colossians 3:23–25:
“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality.”
Two consolations for wives:
- Your life is hidden with Christ (Col. 3:3). Nothing can threaten that. He is working all things for your salvation.
- The Lord is Judge. He sees every wrong, He disciplines His children, and He will one day bring perfect justice. You do not need to vindicate yourself—Christ will.
So, wives, your submission is never ultimately to a sinful man, but to Christ, who is good, faithful, and just.
Transition
And so we see in this first command to wives the necessity of putting on Christ. The command is difficult, given both our sin nature and the sin of others. But Christ clothes His people with what they need to glorify Him and serve their neighbor.
Now let us consider husbands.
Husbands: Love and Do Not Be Harsh (Colossians 3:19)
Verse 19: “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”
Here we see a twofold command for husbands:
- Love your wives.
- Do not be harsh with them.
The Command to Love
First, husbands are commanded to love their wives.
Notice Paul does not say to love women in general in this way, but to love your particular wife. There is a covenantal focus. You are bound to her in a way you are not bound to others, and therefore you are held to a higher level of accountability with her.
This love, as we know from Ephesians 5:25, is patterned after Christ:
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”
That is a sacrificial love. Christ died for His bride. He gave Himself to provide her with everything necessary for life and salvation. And He did so, Paul reminds us in Romans 5:8, while we were still His enemies.
So the command here is not contingent on circumstances. Husbands are not told to love only if their wife is lovable, submissive, or faithful. They are commanded to love regardless.
This is a love that does not fail, that endures, that persists even when no return is given.
The Command Against Harshness
Second, Paul commands: “Do not be harsh with them.”
This is the flip side of love. The husband must not deal with his wife in bitterness, wrath, or tyranny.
Genesis 3:16 shows that after the fall, the husband’s sinful proclivity is to “rule over” his wife in a domineering way. That is the abuse of authority. Paul explicitly forbids it.
To put it plainly: if love is the positive duty, then harshness is its opposite—tyranny, bitterness, provocation.
Brothers, when have we ever submitted perfectly to Christ? Never. Yet Christ does not crush us. He deals with us gently, clothing us in His righteousness, bearing with our failures, forgiving us again and again.
So, as husbands, we must not be harsh with our wives, even when they fail. We are to deal with them as Christ deals with us—with patience, mercy, and steadfast love.
No Limitation on the Husband’s Command
Interestingly, Paul places a limitation on the wife’s submission (“as is fitting in the Lord”), but no limitation on the husband’s duty.
Husbands are not told to love only if their wife submits. They are not told to avoid harshness only if their wife respects them. There is no release valve.
The command is absolute: husbands must love, and must not be harsh, no matter what.
We might think this burdens wives more, since submission grates against our flesh. But in reality, both commands are equally difficult. For to love as Christ loves is a higher calling than any man could fulfill in his own strength.
The Virtues for Husbands
Just as wives must put on Christ to submit, husbands must put on Christ to love.
- Compassion – a concern for their wife’s burdens, body, and soul.
- Kindness – ordering the household with gentleness and goodwill.
- Humility – admitting wrong, asking forgiveness, not lording it over one’s wife.
- Gentleness – treating her with courtesy and care, remembering she is a weaker vessel (cf. 1 Peter 3:7), not in dignity, but often in physical strength, health, or vulnerability.
- Patience – bearing long with sin and weakness, just as Christ bears long with us.
Without these, the husband’s leadership becomes harsh. With them, it images Christ’s own headship of the church.
The Consolation for Husbands
What consolation do husbands have in such a high calling?
- We serve Christ. Verse 24 reminds us: “You are serving the Lord Christ.” Your love and patience toward your wife is service to Him.
- We share the same inheritance. 1 Peter 3:7 says: “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
Peter reminds us that though there is headship and submission in this age, we are equal heirs of grace. To mistreat your wife is to invite God’s discipline and even hinder your prayers.
- God may use your conduct. Just as Peter says to wives that respectful conduct may win an unbelieving husband (1 Peter 3:1), so also God may use the loving conduct of husbands to soften and sanctify their wives.
So the consolation is this: you labor not in vain. Christ sees, Christ supplies, and Christ rewards.
Broader Application
Taking these commands together, we see that both require us to put Christ first in the home.
- For wives, submission is ultimately submission to Christ.
- For husbands, love is ultimately imaging the love of Christ.
Both are equally impossible in our own strength. Both require putting on Christ. Both require the Spirit’s work in us.
Together, they paint a picture of Christ and His church—so that when the world looks into the Christian home, it sees the gospel displayed in miniature.
Conclusion: Christ’s Household
So, in this first couplet—wives and husbands—we have seen the rough sketch of the Christian household:
- Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
- Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.
Both commands are rooted in the gospel. Both require putting on Christ. Both are upheld and sustained only by the Spirit of God.
Next week we will consider the second couplet: children and parents. And the week following, the third: bondservants and masters. In all of these, Paul applies the gospel of Christ to the ordinary, daily life of the household.
These sections are practical—yes—but they are not bare moralism. They are applications of the gospel truths we have already heard in Colossians: You have died with Christ. Your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ appears, you also will appear with Him in glory.
Exhortation
As we reflect on these things, let us remember:
- We are free from the curse of the law. Christ has died for our sins.
- We are empowered by the Spirit. He conforms us to Christ’s image.
- We are clothed by Christ. He has given us compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, so that we may walk in obedience.
So let us confess where we have failed—wives who have resisted submission, husbands who have failed to love or have been harsh—and let us turn to Christ, who forgives and restores.
Let us ask Him to help us put on Christ daily in our homes, so that our children, our neighbors, and our churches may see a picture of Christ and His church in the way we live.
Closing Prayer
Lord, we ask that You would be pleased to work these things in our homes, because apart from You, we confess these commands are too great for us. Whether it is to submit or to love freely—or both—we find it difficult in our sinful natures.
And yet, Lord, we desire to be obedient, to put on Christ, and to put to death the works of the flesh. Conform us to the image of Your Son. Use the circumstances of our lives to shape us into His likeness.
We thank You that there are no unfinished projects in Christ’s workshop, but that He will present us holy and blameless on the last day.
So, help us, Lord, to wait upon You, to trust You, and to live faithfully in our homes until that day.
In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.
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